My Inner Adult

a journey beyond sexual abuse

This is primarily dedicated to my own discovery. Selfish as it may sound it is written to help me move beyond being a victim and into being human, to being real, to being able to love and to be loved. I am not responsible for what happened to me. I am not to blame, it was not my fault.

This journey now spans over five years. Five years of intense self discovery to learn who I really am and to take control of my life. Throughout this discovery there were some intense ‘ups’ and ‘downs’, and I don’t apologize for the graphic nature of describing them.

As you read through the different chapters there may be repetition of points or events. This serves to show different angles, different perceptions and different reactions from within the moods and persona’s involved in the healing process. I don’t apologize for it because I believe it is necessary. There may also be conflicted views. They too serve to show the constant confusion I felt in the cycle of change, even as I was healing. This is what it is, nothing more and nothing less.

I also dedicate this to the countless victims that have suffered sexual abuse. To heal you have to know; to know you have to feel. Whilst it seems an eternal circle that winds its unwanted way through your very being, the voyage of discovery will liberate you and allow you to love and be loved. You are not responsible; you are not to blame; it was not your fault.

If there was a ‘hope’ in these words it would be for others to realize that they are not alone, and that this can be beaten. We don’t have to be the victims all of our lives; we deserve so much more. I remember a recurring theme for me was “I just want to be loved”, well, now I am, to a depth that I could never imaging was possible and it is so sweet, so empowering, and you could have that. That, alone, makes it worth the fight.